


My Mind's Like a Deadly Disease

by TwistedLittleLemon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27946010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedLittleLemon/pseuds/TwistedLittleLemon
Summary: Remus Lupin suffers from an anxiety attack. His boyfriend, James Potter, will always be there for him.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/James Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	My Mind's Like a Deadly Disease

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: brief mention of suicide. Anxiety attack

Remus's head ached. He bent forward, cradling his forehead in his scarred hands as he rocked the balls of his feet back and forth. Deciding there was no point in keeping his green eyes open as his vision was blurring, he softly closed them, welcoming the aftermath of darkness.

Remus was entirely clueless as to what was happening to him: his heart was racing fearfully, he couldn't breathe and his head was dizzy with negative thoughts. Then the tears came crashing down like a wave, relentless and harsh, bitter as they slid down his pale cheeks, leaving behind internal and external stains.

He moved his palms from his head to his eyes, pressing them against his eyelids, begging for _everything to stop_ , begging for his mind to _just shut up_. But it didn't, Remus was being pulled under and nothing could stop him. He brought his knees to his chest, rocking backing and forth, breath harsh and strangled as he hyperventilated. His lip quivered and the heart-breaking sob that erupted was unstoppable, so were the many that followed.

Remus did not know how long he sat there, rocking steadily, in the darkness of the fifth year boys' dormitory, loathing his own company.His heart ached for the comfort his boyfriend provided, yet he wasn't going to seek James out. He wasn't going to ruin was most likely a good day for James. He wasn't going to bother him like always.

It felt like he was slowly being choked. A hand was wrapped around his neck, ever so painfully slowly tightening. There was a thought, in the back of his mind, that maybe everyone would be happier, better off if he wasn't here.

Slowly, the thought fizzled away, the sadness dispersed and Remus was left numb, curled on his bed with tremulous limbs and tear-stained cheeks, an aching heart and a thoughtless mind. He almost thought the overwhelming depression felt better. Remus had received his wish, for his mind to silence, but nothing felt any better.

His outlook on life was no clearer than it had been twenty minutes ago. It was just not on Remus' mind. Nothing was on Remus' mind anymore. It might have been seconds or maybe minutes later, that the door to the room opened.

Remus barely registered the sound or the shocked gasp that came from the same direction.

"Re," the distinct, soft voice of James Potter mumbled from the doorway. The door shut with a soft thud.

Remus couldn't muster the will or the energy to turn his head, so he stayed staring at nothing.

"Remus," James' voice was concerned, sympathetic and this had been exactly what Remus had feared of. He didn't deserve the sympathy James would gift. The mattress lowered as James perched next to him. Their knees barely brushed. "Moony."

An olive hand reached out to grasp Remus'. Remus flinched, jumping away from his boyfriend. James' brow furrowed. His hazel orbs were soft and gentle.

"Moony, come on, talk to me." At this, Remus' eyes flickered over to James, giving the tanned boy a clear view of his puffy cheeks and swollen eyes. "What's happened?" James inquired hesitantly.

"Nothing," Remus eventually just murmured a few moments later. "I'm okay."

James shook his head determinedly. "Love, you're ever so clearly not. Now come on, talk to me," he pleaded.

"You don't want to hear of my problems," Remus returned, emotionlessly. He reached his arm up to wipe at his nose, oversized jumper falling down his arm.

"I'll always want to hear about your problems, Moony. That's how we work, yeah? You're never going to be a bother or a burden to me," James stated so surely, yet Remus didn't concede in believing him. James sighed. "If you're not going to talk, then at least let me clean you up."

At this, Remus nodded mutely. He watched as James stood from the bed, reached out, hand lightly touching the back of Remus' neck before he ducked into the bathroom.

James was gentle as he wiped a soaked, warm cloth against Remus' cheeks, wiping away the stains that tarnished his smooth skin. His other hand remained firmly pressed on Re's shoulder and his eyes focused solely on his boyfriend.

Noticing the tiny, nail sized cuts in Remus' palms, James tutted softly, soaking the cloth again before gently cleaning the injuries.

Once seeing the tension slowly releasing his boy's shoulders, James leaned forward and pressed his lips against Remus' forehead.

"I love you."

Remus breathed in deeply, tucking his head in Jame's neck and wrapping his arms loosely around James' waist. Due to Re being sat on top of the bathroom counter, they were roughly the same height.

"I love you," James repeated. He had to make sure Remus knew this.

It was later that night, once Peter and Sirius had returned to the dormitory and had immediately collapsed in their beds, that Remus spoke. His eyes were lighter than they had been earlier.

0"I feel like I'm always doing everything wrong. I feel like I'm a bother to you and Pads and Pete and I'm just an extra burden no one needs. I don't always feel like this, it just — happens — sometimes. It builds up and then I crumble. I'm sorry James, so fucking sorry. I love you." Remus' voice was choked, only just louder than a whisper.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you. You're never a trouble or burden. I love you, Re, nothing will change this. You're stuck with me until we're old and wrinkly."

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is based off a recent attack of mine (except I didn't have a James to comfort me).
> 
> Wolfbucks is honestly adorable, just as much as jegulus and wolfstar


End file.
